Beyond Sex in Marriage

By Princess Maleiha Bajunaid Candao

Once again, I sign my pen, in view of marriage as a bond for a healthy partnership and a sustaining commitment between spouses.

Great minds and books delve on attitudinal solutions to difficult marriages undergoing conflicts. But why seek answers from those who do not experience your own pains? The answer has always been within. It is soulfully within.

Searching the reality of life, we stumble at cases where difficult marriages mean that only one spouse is meeting his or her full responsibility as a mate. Whatever causes this failure has to be addressed. Whatever starts the pain must be stopped.

Usually, the joy of marriage is when both spouses meet each other's expectations. The opposite of this will result to a failure of one area in the union that has been neglected. This is not the way to treat a beloved.

Now here I am, unquestioning realities, but instead I offer some thoughts that might lessen the pain of a friend. Perhaps even that of a reader who reaches out to my hands. Here is what I can offer. Please listen to my thoughts and there you might not wonder.

While I want to talk about the factors that can contribute to marital discord, I want to provide a different perspective by talking about sex in marriage, decently. Raise no eyebrows for a princess has the right to express her stand. As long as decency is my rule, I shall break no laws in my family. Not yours for that matter, my dear loyal reader.

As a writer, my primordial concern is beyond just transmitting my thoughts but to convey them in an acceptable manner without offending the sensibilities of my readers considering that my blog readers come from different countries with varied cultural beliefs on sensitive issues like sex and marriage. I do this with care for it matters to me that you feel me in my words..feel the sincerity in my heart.

Hence I impose it upon myself to articulate my ideas on physical intimacy in marriage by catering to the standards of responsible authorship and welcoming even to the young and curious readers of today. The youth is our hope, the key to our future and the students of our present.

Sex in marriage is defined by me as the couple's "soulful connection"--this will allow you to look at our physical bodies not just as houses of mere gratification. Instead we should get in-touch with our souls through love and emotions that should be the basis of physical connection with our partners. There is a connection beyond the taste of one's lips and smell of one's breath--it is the connection of the body, mind and spirit.

I shall therefore not touch on the three-letter-word,"sex", using the "kamasutra" vocabulary, for the lexicon that I would like to encourage is the imperativeness of taking a deeper look at the significance of soulful oneness during sex and not just a form of lust quenching. The thirst for love is soulful. The taste of love in a soulful connection is eternal.

Sans generalization, many men want to get women to satiate their hunger for the flesh, hence, their polygamous nature is more often than not an ego-snuffing out-approach to get feedbacks on their masculinity. This happens if a man does not realize that he can be powerful even with just being with one woman alone. This happens only with the right partner, with the right woman.

I do not believe my dear readers, that a man needs more than ten women to complete his worth. A woman's value is not in quantity but quality. Akin to words and their meanings, akin to affections without numbers.

Many say that men womanize to prove how alluring they are to the opposite sex. A self-made man must not struggle for his masculinity. Principles make a man. His performance in bed is a private matter between him and his wife. We do not have the right to peep into their secrets. Humanity has boundaries.

Why do men have to collect and select women but in the end they feel vacuous for having to run away from commitments? A real man will never use sex to prove his masculinity nor inflate his shrunken ego. Real men respect their women and will always put them at the pedestal. These type of men are worth dying for.

Soulful connection in sex is all about sharing yourself with your partner completely without hesitation. It is beyond physical gratification for it fulfills not only a physical need. In fact, it feeds a soulful hunger .

Have you ever felt so lonely after sex? Or have you felt so connected that you seem fulfilled beyond words? The first question addresses a physical union without soulful connection and the latter is the opposite.

Soulful connection in bed allows spontaneity sans fretfulness. Anxious bed partners will show-off rather than interlock their souls with their mates. Let love flow freely. Let your soul unify with your mate.

Sexual proficiency should not be technical for physical union in marriage is between two human beings with heart and spirit. Liberate from impressing but focus more on connecting. If love and respect are present, soulful connection in bed fills up the empty spaces that separates each partner from the other.

An "unseen" guide during the process of the intimacy will guide both partners to the nucleus of their oneness...notwithstanding the turmoils of the outside world. Engaging in a romantic conversation with one's partner can help explore each other's preferences in bed. Being sensitive to your partner's unspoken need is a requirement to be soulfully connected with him or her, totally.

If passion dies, strengthen your soulful connection. Look at this connection beyond sex or procreation. Bolster the union, dear partners, to ensure that both of you will stay committed in marriage.

In simple words, soulful connection is achieved if both partners attained a sustaining degree of intertwined souls. Hence, sensitivity is highly suggested.

Ladies, be informed that you need to follow your instincts when it comes to love. There is no manual for this, my dear friend..for YOUR MAN is unique. You need to understand how your man imparts a need or a want without articulating it.

Ladies, be the fire of passion; be the key to balance; be the heart of his life and be his soulful connection.

Soulful connection calls for: absence of egoism in marriage, healthy intellectual discussions, slow in judgment, more room for understanding, avoid conflict and name calling. Of course, I am talking about the presence of love and respect here. What if those two important things are absent? Well, it is difficult to answer this for others, but in my case, I fought for my divorce.

Ask me not if I will turn my back on these beliefs for this I shall stand for: If I love a man, I shall love him with no reservation. But if I do not, I shall not imprison myself in a bond that will kill my self-dignity and respect. There is no fear in soulful connection if the feeling is true and sincere.

The beauty of love is that it balances negative and positive emotions by melting anger and building more love in return.

As marriage grows in time, lessons must be learned and changes must be welcomed. A smart and loving wife knows that she has to welcome all the changes in him as long as he still loves and respects her. A gifted wife is the one who brings out the best in her man. The man of her life.

If your man is not reciprocating all the good things you do for him, be not angry nor feel hurt. Talk to him with an open heart. If loves you, he will not hurt you. Free him from nagging by letting him breath on his own. If he loves you, he will never lose your direction nor turn his back on you. If he does not love you, you know the answer to that.

Ladies, pull your man to your arms when he needs you but never push him to go against his principles. Discuss with him your fears and worries about the relationship and if he loves you, he would voluntarily stop anything that he knows would hurt you.

Love him like a baby for he is still a little child who needs your affection every step of the way but respect him like a king if he needs to decide for the best of the family. Stand by him, through thick and thin if he has to fight for his principles and beliefs. You are his soulful mate, from who else should he get all these?

Be his soulmate. Connect with your man. For a successful marriage is more than just sex. It is a soulful connection. Be your partner's lan vital.

For the Man I love

By Princess Maleiha B. Candao

More than sweet candy bars and soothing promises, ours is not a fairytale. The beauty of nature is ours to keep for our love is a gift.

I ink my heart for you to see the words that you left every moment when we talk...words that came from your soul connecting to the whole of me. You appear before me when I close my eyes no matter where you are. My love, this one is for you, from my heart that is in your keeping, with your soul that is completing.

I ignore the distance that separates us because you connect with me every moment of my everyday. You never fail to fill up the emptiness of my heart for you find time to let me know that I am with you in every step of your way.

So when I say "I love you," that means we are one...devoid of shallow reasons but full of depth and commitment.

There you are from afar, yet you are just a breath away from me. In your refuge you let me in, and I see nothing but truthfulness. Your simple joys take me to heaven as you show me the truth in your heart.

Your vision is so inviting that compels me to share the same journey to what is peaceful and just. You speak of so much love and joy yet with less words..it must be the gentle nature of your soul that sings a beautiful melody leaving an inspiration when my smiles disappear.

Tell me my love, why do I long for you? Why is my smile hiding from me whenever we are apart? Is it because our souls know that one is lacking to complete the whole? Is it because you live in me for you are the song of my music and the smile of my heart?

I see that smile again as your eyes caress my words...I feel your love in every unspoken thought. Honey, I love you..let me not just say it to make you happy..let me state it again and again for you to witness that God has made our fate to meet and share what is beautiful in HIS eyes.

Let HIM be there to guide us, for what awaits us, never fear that I will be gone. My heart will stay with you beyond our time and space for GOD is our witness.

♡ Should ex-lovers be friends?

♡ Should ex-lovers be friends?
Originally uploaded by Bai Maleiha B. Candao

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
--Alfred Tennyson



SHOULD EX-LOVERS BE FRIENDS?
By Bai Maleiha B. Candao

ABSOLUTELY,YES! But this is easier said than done.

Not all estranged partners end up being cordial with each other. One reason is that past hurts and pains will soon catch up with them. The face that one dreads would seem to look like a living nightmare even during the waking hours.

Sad but true. Solvable? Maybe, with civility, perhaps. But in truthfulness, the one who caused you so much pain would always be the last person you wanted to see or talk to.

But let us be objective in looking at this situation. What if you are married with kids? Do you have a choice? None, but it is a matter of personal decision. In the end, you can welcome the inevitable chance to discuss family issues for the betterment of your kids, sans the need to talk about reconciliation.

Being friends with an ex is totally different from living together again.

But if you need to be civil for the sake of the children,then embrace the need to be so.

Only you can draw the line. Only you know where you should stand in the face of all the issues at your hand.

For unmarried couples, reconciling is best to preserve friendship and civility of manners. Friendship is friendship. It means cordiality and kindness out of the dictates of one's education or breeding, or out of the simple reason that you just want to be kind to the person who hurt you in the past. Period.

Reconciling for mere friendship after a break-up depends on the gravity of reasons that caused the separation.

Saying hello when you both meet on the streets unexpectedly, or that both of you accidentally bumped into each other while malling, is not bad at all. In fact, this will show good breeding and finesse in one's character.

Well of course, it is easier said than done,as I have said earlier. This is very true to partners where one cheated and lied. But on the positive side, why not move on from the past and show your ex that his or her presence does not affect you at all, anymore.

If you are faking it, your partner will sense it. But if your sincerity is overwhelming, chances are, your ex will respect the friendship and might keep his or her distance. Not unless if your ex is still crazy about you.

Not being friends with your ex means not being able to move on, that is the usual adage, but it is not always the case. Some people, like me, distances myself from someone in my past to avoid giving the impression that I am open for reconciliation. If however, I received an unwanted visitor, the best way is to be civil. No more,no less.

Yes, there are cases of marital separation that is irreconcilable. The battle of principles weighs heavier than the mere emotionality of a broken heart.

The heart that has been broken can still heal and love again.A broken trust oftentimes takes a lifetime to heal.

On the other hand, if issues of break-up were minor ones, then friendship is not that hard to start after a couple of weeks or months. Some people take years before they could feel comfortable exchanging chats with their ex-lovers.

Friendship could also help establish direct communication to help dispel bad rumors about each other and may help bridge the gap that could eventually turn hostile if not remedied.

Let me however rephrase this question: Should ex-lovers be close friends again?

This is one point that has to be understood. Saying hi and hello to one's ex inside malls or anywhere owing to accidental meeting is very civil and advisable.

But getting too close and becoming close buddies is not impossible but the probability is low.

To sit down and chat closely as if the past did not happen is a big hypocrisy.

Finally, let me say it again that friends are always around, even an ex-lover could be one. But to have an ex for a close and trusted friend is not that easy.

It is not a sin to be kind with an ex. You can always forgive the person who hurt you and learn from the lessons of your past.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

❥ My Craft: Writing

❥ My Craft: Writing
Originally uploaded by Princess Activist

The online world is full of complexity. However, I face it with
optimism and faith in the goodness of people no matter who they
are. I welcome friendship regardless of who my friends are for it is
not my principle to ask my new-found friends who they are and what
makes them distinct from me and the rest. I would rather welcome
friendship with a sincere, "How are you?"

A daily purpose for my life is imperative if I need to aim for an
achievement that is relevant and productive both in the online
and real world. By definition, finding relevance in life is subjective.
However, it is through individual expression that separates
mediocrity from professionalism.

I am a writer, not only by profession but by choice as well.
Just like other artists, creating words and forms demand mental
ingenuity and originality. While painters and sculptors create with
their hands and soul to express what they want to share to the
world, I find meaning in using words to connect with my readers.

Each artist interprets commonalities of life by setting distinction
in their craft. The best part of it is they do it out of love and passion
for their work and not just for any monetary consideration.

Writing is my craft and I derive fulfillment from it. Transcribing my
thoughts and sharing it with others is self-actualizing. Getting
feedbacks allows me to interact with my readers and fellow
writers which contributes to a well anticipated life everyday,
online or in the real world.

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

➪ Face of Poverty (329 views)

➪ Face of Poverty (329 views)
Originally uploaded by Princess Activist

✎ By Princess Maleiha

I found this photo in my yahoo group. You can see the innocent eyes of a child who is struggling in the face of poverty. His hands are overworked and his mind is imprisoned by the need to help his parents meet their basic needs for survival.

"Sabi ng isa.."nag-iigib lang ng tubig" ay "poverty" na?
Ang nakita niya kasi ay ang mga sisidlan ng tubig,
hindi niya nababanaag ang "sigaw ng saklolo" sa mga
matang nakakaawa...

Tumingin nga ng bahagya sa nakatago mong
konsensiya"

What is "Confusion" for me?

To be or not to be. This is the enigma of confusion.

Look around you and there is a random of symbols that can give rise to concepts like irony, opposites and similarities that could be taken in their literal or figurative form. Life is indeed complex and the arena of confusion.

How can we as normal beings not be confused when those people we looked up to are more often than not the ones causing the turmoil in our minds. Take for example a preacher who says things that he could not deliver by example. They could not walk the talk.

Confusion in my own definition is brought about by an inconsistent action by someone who we expect to be flawless and honest in every way, but only to find out that he failed to meet our expectations.

It is true that we do not love and live based on other people's expectations. But in the case of the example I cited above, this applies to people holding powerful or influential positions in our social and religious lives. Mostly, they are the people who we call as priests, nuns, teachers, media people, popular columnists, politicians or government leaders. The society looks up to them as leaders. Hence, it is inexcusable for them to blunder whether intentionally or not.

Moral confusion arises when a priest would tell a lie. This is unacceptable for the many who look at people of the church as holy and flawless. Meaning, that although lying is an inevitable human flaw, it is the confusing moral standard which we uphold that makes it unacceptable or hard to understand for a priest to be a liar.

It is equally confusing when a school teacher educates her students to practice the value of respect for one's chosen career, but she herself does not respect her profession. She secretly sells food products to her students and threatens to fail them in her class if they would not submit to her pressure.

In marriage, a wife gets bewildered if she finds out that her trusted husband, who constantly professed so much love for her, has plenty of extra-marital affairs.

Confusion sets in when expectations and reality do not meet halfway. Or when a truth is bared after masks were unveiled.

It is important to allow confusion to penetrate into our mental wavelengths for this will compel us to look at the details of our life without using colored lens. Confusion is our mental microscope enabling us to view the iota of our doubts and unanswered questions.

You and I are always confused about something. Welcome and face it. Learn and get over it fast but make sure that you will acquire a sense of truthful comprehension of the predicament that you are in.

How can your mind kill you?

When we speak of the human mind, we are in fact referring to the human brain, which controls the central nervous system. The part that controls the higher functions is the forebrain, while the other two parts, midbrain and hindbrain, are responsible for our unconscious and autonomic functions.

Also known as the seat of intelligence, the human brain has the power and control over one's character. How an individual thinks about himself and life in general will affect in no small measure his social attitude.

Psychological studies on personality and Sigmund Freud's attempt to explain the complex reality of the brain, through his theory on id,ego and superego were in fact a struggle to understand how the mind works and how it affects man's existence. The works of great minds in the past which brought to forth amazing discoveries on science, math and human behavior only prove that the mind is a powerful instrument that could control man's destiny.

The emergence of clinical psychopathology as another arena of studying the causality of human behavior anchored on its clinical history, is another testimony that attempts to contain the negative effects of man's twisted behavioral profile.

Hence, this article aims to dig a part of the hidden iceberg in man's brains and how it could possibly lead to imbalance in man's personality or human behavior.

A small awareness on this aspect might remind us all to reflect closely on how we react to everyday pressures and how we handle ourselves to face all those challenges.

Do we act favorably or do we sabotage our actions?

Let me expound.

A healthy mind is the one that inquires sans answers. It is the desire for retort that propels an intelligent mind to explore the details of life using a non-colored monocle. A mind that yearns for knowledge reads, converses, analyzes, then concludes. Hyperboles are a no, no, no.

We use our mental competence to understand our everyday issues. These include our interpersonal relationships, our office tasks and the decisions we need to make on a daily basis. A smart mind delivers the most balance decision after an objective study of a situation. All these are possible if your mind is healthy and capable of intelligent decisions.

But what happens if your mind is working against you?

One popular proof on the fatal result of one's mental illness is the case of the world's renowned Karen Carpenter of the "The Carpenters", who died of anorexia nervosa.

The term "anorexic" became popular after her death. It caused a worldwide hiatus which made people take a closer look at this kind of mental illness.

A person suffering from this emotional disorder literally starves herself. She induces forced vomiting out of the fear of becoming fat. The usual sufferers of this mental illness are young girls or women who have a morbid fear of becoming overweight. This is a concrete example of how a disturbed mind can be fatal to its host. An example of a woman whose own mind is her greatest enemy--the SUB-CONSCIOUS ENEMY.

In its physiological effect, "anorexia nervosa" take its toll on the appetite, diminishing its victim will to eat until the human body dies out of starvation.

Anorexic patients are obsessed with the idea that their bodies are fat and therefore they need to slim down. They rate themselves unfavorably owing to their body weight.

What I have just given as an example is a clinical case of an anorexic patient whose lifestyle is focused on one aspect: to become thin and attractive to everyone's eyes.

On the flip side, in application to one's mental anatomy, an anorexic mind is a mind that starves itself from real knowledge and refuses to absorb its need for it, hence, resulting to its in-utility.

This is common. You might now know, but maybe you are exhibiting an anorexic mind.

How?

Have you observed that you sub-consciously postpone some of the things you want to do despite of the fact that you know they will contribute to your self-growth? You postpone not because you have no means but because you REFUSE to do it, just because you DO NOT LIKE to do it.

A student who REJECTS the idea of studying his lessons; a wife who REFUSES to understand the causes of her marital woes with her husband; a husband who DENIES to acknowledge the sacrifices of his wife owing to his infidelity; a business partner who TURNS DOWN the idea of equal sharing of accrued profit with his partner owing to greed and other cases that illustrate one's capability to do something but DECLINES to do it owing to selfishness.

An anorexic mind, if allowed to control the subconscious, will become a mental habit that may result to ugly attitude in life which recognizes nothing but total self-engrossment.

An anorexic mind is a mind the does not accept explanation nor recognize fairness. It is a selfish desire to implement its will against any form of barrier.

Is this an exclusive reality of those people who are dumb? NO. An intelligent person could still exhibit "anorexic mind". If she would not welcome negotiations and would refuse to recognize his/her mistakes in life.

Is this an exclusive domain of women? No. Both sexes are doing it subconsciously.

This type of mind is fatal for it will not listen to reason. It is not likened to a stubborn mind that could still be influenced to change stance.

An anorexic mind is a closed mind, I repeat, a CLOSED MIND, which can not be opened by anyone including the host herself. It operates on its own creed and acts toward that belief until it will meets its end-or the consequences of such mentality.

Victims of anorexia nervosa are aware that they must eat in order to live. But their minds are already closed and no matter how they try to eat, their stomachs could not accept their food intake, hence vomiting follows. This is the result of extreme mental conditioning out of the fear that eating could result to obesity.

If applied to an "anorexic mind or behavior", the same symptoms or pattern of behavior will be exhibited, but not on getting thin but subliminally closing all avenues to view life with all its colors, joy and positivism.

The mind becomes so self-centered that it would disallow any form of interference as a threat to its stability. This therefore compels the owner to close it to preserve her own interest.

This article establishes one undeniable truth: The Human Mind is Dangerous if hosted by disturbed personality.

The mind has a will of its own. A caring psychological guidance that aims to neutralize the behavior of a pessimist to promote and develop positive view of life does not only depend on the trainings of a psychiatrist but must be supported with the love and patience from the immediate fanily members of the mentally disturbed individual.(end)

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WORDS TO WATCH IN THIS ARTICLE : Anorexic mind

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This is also published in my MIND TALK blog.